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Never Quite Six Feet Under

find You there when i think i'm out of time

About

So here! Solely seen a seasoned solitary Singaporean, singularly substantiated as a significant strangeness of specialty by the summaries of society. This seeming senseless semblance, exists as no shallow scaffolding of satire, but as a resolute statement of signification for the unscrupulously shunned, now skipped, shadowed by the unsound submission of the state to stolid security of the shameless supremacy who sanctify what was once unsanctioned. This stalwart steward of unsurpassable standards, seeks a sojourn of stress and suffering onto the sordid and scumish sundry who sponsor this savage and sinful suppression of substantial sovereignties.

The sentence is restitution, a sortie sown not in spurious speculation but which will someday splendidly substantiate the spirited and scrupulous. Surely, this sustained spectacle of supposition serves simultaneously as an introduction but shows up somewhat verbose and superabundant, so let me just add that it is my very good honour to meet you and you may call me Shian.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Almost 25

It's funny, how time flies.

How much we've changed.

scratched in at [9:54 PM]

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Monday, June 01, 2009

two hands

I’ve been living out of sanity
I’ve been splitting hairs and blurring lines
I am a house that is divided
In my heart and in my mind

I use one hand to pull closer
The other to push you away
If I had two hands doing the same thing
Lifted high, lifted high

I have a broken disposition
I’m a liar who thirsts for the truth
And while I ache for faith to hold me
I need to feel the scars and see the proof

And if we just keep digging we can reach the foundation
Of our souls
And if we just keep cutting all the chains from our hearts
We’ll lose control

And it feels like giving in
It feels like starting over
It feels like waking up, and you know it’s coming
It feels like a brand new day
Open your eyes

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Friday, May 29, 2009

all my eyes desired i did not refuse them. i did not withold my heart from any pleasure, for my heart was pleased because of all my labour and this was my reward for all my labour. thus i considered all my activities which my hands had done and the labor which i had exerted, and behold all was vanity and striving after wind and there was no profit under the sun.

scratched in at [1:59 AM]

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Sunday, May 24, 2009

reprise

we all have something to be afraid of

uncertainty

the future

sometimes we make up stuff

to make us feel better

but

sometimes

we find You

or was it the other way round?

i didn't realize

that i loved You

a lot more then i thought i did

and things don't make much sense

if You're absent

the void

the terror

and then i find You

again

scratched in at [4:02 AM]

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Tuesday, May 12, 2009

10th of May

Another first again

I wonder how this all works...

scratched in at [11:59 PM]

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Tuesday, May 05, 2009

2nd of May

The first time

So that's how it's like...

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Monday, April 20, 2009

笨小孩

哦... 寧靜的小村外 有一個笨小孩
出生在陸零年代
十來歲到城市 不怕那太陽曬
努力在柒零年代
發現呀城市裡 朋友們不用去灌溉
花自然會開
哦... 轉眼間那麼快 這一個笨小孩
又到了捌零年代
三十歲到頭來 不算好也不壞
經過了玖零年代
最無奈他自己 總是會慢人家一拍
沒有錢在那口袋
哎喲往著胸口拍一拍呀 勇敢站起來
笨小孩不用心情太壞
哎喲向著天空拜一拜呀 別想不開
老天自有安排
哦... 他們說城市裡 男不壞女不愛
怎麼想也不明白
媽媽說真心愛 會愛得很精彩
結果我沒有女孩
笨小孩依然是堅強得像石頭一塊
只是晚上寂寞難耐
哎喲往著胸口拍一拍呀 勇敢站起來
管它上天下海
哎喲向著天空拜一拜呀 別想不開
老天自有安排
老天愛笨小孩

scratched in at [3:16 AM]

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Tuesday, April 14, 2009

The Mask of Sanity

Psychologist Robert Hare cites a famous case where a psychopath was "Man of the Year" and president of the Chamber of Commerce in his small town. (Remember that John Wayne Gacy was running for Jaycee President at the very time of his first murder conviction!) The man in question had claimed to have a Ph.D. from Berkeley. He ran for a position on the school board which he then planned to parlay into a position on the county commission which paid more.

At some point, a local reporter suddenly had the idea to check up on the guy - to see if his credentials were real. What the reporter found out was that the only thing that was true about this up and coming politician's "faked bio" was the place and date of birth. Everything else was fictitious. Not only was the man a complete impostor, he had a long history of antisocial behavior, fraud, impersonation, and imprisonment. His only contact with a university was a series of extension courses by mail that he took while in Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary. What is even more amazing is the fact that before he was a con-man, he was a "con-boy." For two decades he had dodged his way across America one step ahead of those he had hoodwinked. Along the way he had married three women and had four children, and he didn't even know what had happened to them. And now, he was on a roll! But darn that pesky reporter!

When he was exposed, he was completely unconcerned. "These trusting people will stand behind me. A good liar is a good judge of people," he said. Amazingly, he was right. Far from being outraged at the fact that they had all been completely deceived and lied to from top to bottom, the local community he had conned so completely to accrue benefits and honors to himself that he had not earned, rushed to his support!

I kid you not! And it wasn't just "token support." The local Republican party chairman wrote about him: "I assess his genuineness, integrity, and devotion to duty to rank right alongside of President Abraham Lincoln." As Hare dryly notes, this dimwit was easily swayed by words, and was blind to deeds.

What kind of psychological weaknesses drive people to prefer lies over truth?

This may have something to do with what is called Cognitive Dissonance. Leon Festinger developed the theory of Cognitive Dissonance in the 50's when he apparently stumbled onto a UFO cult in the Midwest. They were prophesying a coming world cataclysm and "alien rapture." When no one was raptured and no cataclysm he studied the believers response, and detailed it in his book "When Prophecy Fails." Festinger observed:

A man with a conviction is a hard man to change. Tell him you disagree and he turns away. Show him facts or figures and he questions your sources. Appeal to logic and he fails to see your point.

We have all experienced the futility of trying to change a strong conviction, especially if the convinced person has some investment in his belief. We are familiar with the variety of ingenious defenses with which people protect their convictions, managing to keep them unscathed through the most devastating attacks.

But man's resourcefulness goes beyond simply protecting a belief. Suppose an individual believes something with his whole heart; suppose further that he has a commitment to this belief, that he has taken irrevocable actions because of it; finally, suppose that he is presented with evidence, unequivocal and undeniable evidence, that his belief is wrong: what will happen? The individual will frequently emerge, not only unshaken, but even more convinced of the truth of his beliefs than ever before. Indeed, he may even show a new fervor about convincing and converting other people to his view.

It seems that part of the problem has to do with ego and the need to be "right." People with a high "need to be right" or "perfect" seem to be unable to acknowledge that they have been conned. "There is no crime in the cynical American calendar more humiliating than to be a sucker." People will go along with and support a psychopath, in the face of evidence that they have and ARE being conned, because their own ego structure depends on being right, and to admit an error of judgment would destroy their carefully constructed image of themselves.

scratched in at [8:19 PM]

0 screams

We are the ones in power now.

Took a while to realize, but by now it is quite clear the tables have turned. They can’t do much to me but I can do just about anything I please to them.

Because I have stepped out of the system, beyond their unwritten rules, their boundaries. There is little they can do within the system that can deter me, all their cards have been played and spent. And I still hold all their cards.

And I know how their system works.

And there is nothing they can do to me.

And I can do everything to them.

That’s why we are the ones in power now, and when I first became aware it was slightly intoxicating. After years of being subordinate to a system and living under they who used the system to lord it over us suddenly the boot is clearly on the other foot. They have become a victim of their own system. They need to maintain their façade, a façade constructed of so many unwritten rules and regulations that they knowingly or unknowingly are a slave of. I do not have to.

And the problem for them is that I feel trigger-happy. There is no more fear of CDDC to stop me.

I can do everything to you, but you can't do anything to me. You can only hope that I'll lose interest and find someone else to "work on"... there is something for you to learn in this, but you might not get it for years.

If you want to know I didn’t post it because after thinking for a while I realized that maybe the whole world didn’t need to know… for now and maybe is a better way about it...

I told her.

scratched in at [5:22 PM]

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Sunday, April 12, 2009

somebody wrote me a public letter

the reason I like you, is because of your sincerity. The explicit truth of your life realizations, is refreshing. Although, I don't know you at all, some of your experiences I can relate. And take my input for what it is. & No need to respond.

I took away several things from this journal, one of the major ones was about your musical outlet. Full time service to God doesn't mean that we need to be a pastor, or a worship leader in some Church or movement(as it seems you have come to realize). Its about being one with God and fulfilling the destiny He has given us as His children. I talked with a friend of mine a while ago about a certain extreme metal band called Impending Doom. And about how they, considered themselves a somewhat Christian band. This band probably would not be welcomed, in 99.9 % of Churches, but I thought it was interesting that they have the opportunity to shine in some of the darkest places and have the chance to reach people that are very hard for the majority of Christendom to reach. Reliant K doesn't consider themselves to be a Christian band, and yet they are rife with Christian themes in their music. These are two that come to my mind. So I encourage you to seek how God leads you to minister to people in that area. I think its pretty cool that God is revealing these things to you. The path of ministry "outside" the fold is not only more rewarding, it is also more dangerous. So don't be to critical of your conservative elders, they just might be weaker in those areas then you are, or perhaps they are just being legalistic.

It seems your Church experience has burned you a little. When one enters any scene and it it fresh we are bombarded with new input. Things & patterns that we are unfamiliar with, and as we become acclimated to them we can discern deeper themes and clarify those which were initially confusing or not understandable. It is the way with most things. It is the learning curve. & I agree with you somewhat on your "gamble" of time. And how we must invest our lives into something to see if it has weight or not. But if we are in line with God's will and He leads us. Than we can be sure that it is not a false turn, or bad investment. Even if it seems in our own eyes to tank.

I too have had to wrestle with situations in my life where I knew God explicitly led and directed me into certain avenues of ministry or mercy towards others. And some of those times it caused me great pain. Several of those times I questioned whether or not I had been listening correctly or not. But each time God confirmed it was where I needed to be. So I exhort you do not take a seemingly "failed" or "unsuccessful" ministry towards and individual or people group as such. God's standards of success are totally different that our temporal ones. He requires that we are Faithful and Obedient despite the response of the world. Many Christians have those things where they seem irreconcilable in their minds. It takes Faith in God, and that He knows what He is doing despite or own finite view. It tests our trust of God. There is no need to try and reconcile it in your mind or with others. Just hand over your Trust to the one who deserves it, and move forward.

I aint trying to preach, just trying to share some of the hard lessons I have had to learn P:
The True freedom we have in Christ is one of the hardest things that we can learn in this life. Probably because life is so short, and we are bombarded with so many other aspects of Christianity like doctrine,and application of it. Its cool that God is showing you the subjective nature of outreach and recreation, I hope that your interest and solidarity in the Objective things( such as doctrine P: ) in your Walk coincide with your exercise of the other.

God is the only one that I know that can take one's past failures and use them as a bridge to the future.

He wants your heart bro,

God bless, & thanks for sharing this, it has made me reevaluate some things in my own life.

John

scratched in at [10:13 AM]

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Saturday, April 11, 2009

Trying

Could you let down your hair
And be transparent for a while
Just a little while
See if your human after all
Honesty is a hard attribute to find
When we all want to seem like we've got it all figured out
I may be the first to say that I don't have a clue
I don't have all the answers
And God I pretend like I do just
Trying to find my way
Trying to find my way the best that I know how

Well I haven't memorized all the cute things to say
But I'm working on it
Maybe I'll master this art for today
I'd I qoute all the line off the top of my head
And you'd be
I dont understand all of these things Ive read
Im just trying to find my way
Trying to find my way
Trying to find my way the best that I know how

Well I havent drawn it or figured out quite yet
But even if it takes my whole life
To get to where I need to be
And if I should fall to the bottom of the end
I'll be one step back to you
I'm trying to find my way
Trying to find my way
Oh, I'm trying to find my way
Trying to find my way

scratched in at [2:54 PM]

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Friday, April 10, 2009

everybody is hurting

though we all try

can You do something

because we need You

scratched in at [12:09 PM]

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Thursday, April 02, 2009

In the cemetery all the white crosses stood in rows, neat chalk marks against a giant scoreboard.

Paid last respects quietly without fuss.

Revival Generations. Born YIA in 2001. Changed named to RGen. Two years in CHS, five in RCC, died 2008, buried in the split.

Is that what happens to us? A life of ministry with no time for friends, so that when it is done, only our enemies end up our true friends?

Totalitarian ministries ending violently. YIA, RGen… they never go out quietly… not allowed.

Something in their personalities perhaps? Some animal urge to fight and struggle for absolute control making them what they are?

Not important, they do what they have to do.

They bury their heads between the swollen teats of indulgence and gratification in ignorance in someone else’s vaguely understood beliefs they call convictions, piglets squirming beneath a sow for shelter…

… but there is no shelter, and the future is bearing down like an express train.

Some understood, realized it was like a joke, but they understood. They saw the cracks in ministry, saw the little men in masks trying to hold it together. They saw the true face of this “revival” and chose not to have anything to do with it. Those inside did not see, that’s why they are lonely.

Heard joke once:

Man goes to doctor. Says he’s depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain.

Doctor says “Treatment is simple. Great ministry Revival Generations in town. Go and join them, that will give you purpose. That should pick you up.”

Man bursts in tears.

Says “But doctor…”

“…I am from Revival Generations.”

Good joke.

Everybody laugh.

Roll on snare drum.

Curtains.

scratched in at [10:21 PM]

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Monday, March 30, 2009

Journal

March 31th, 2009


Dog carcass in alley this morning, tire tread on burst stomach. This place is afraid of me. I have seen its true face. The pews are extended gutters and the gutters are full of innocent blood and when the drains finally scab over all the vermin will drown.

The accumulated filth of all their lies and manipulations will foam up about their waists and all the leaders and politicians will look up and shout “save us!”

And I’ll look down and whisper “no.”

They had a choice, all of them. They could have followed in the footsteps of good men, like my previous leader. Decent men who believed in a day’s work for a day’s pay.

Instead they followed in the droppings of the tyrants and dictators and didn’t realize that the trail led over a precipice until it was too late. Don’t tell me they didn’t have a choice.

Now the whole world stands on the brink, staring down into the bloody hell, all those revivalists and vision-seekers and smooth-talkers.

And all of a sudden nobody can think of anything to say.

scratched in at [11:59 PM]

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Thursday, March 19, 2009

Sound Advice

“Don’t get your information about the world through books or through me - I’m not going to tell you what the needs are of this generation.

I encourage you to go into the world and actually find them and just really start talking and dialoguing with people and being open to what they believe, and just see what it is that they need.

I’ve learned so much more from talking to my friends at dinner or at the bars than I have from reading a book about statistics about this generation.”

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Sunday, March 08, 2009

What are we up to, sweetheart?

Fixing your Bible.

I, um...
What?

Bible's broken. Contradictions, false logistics - doesn't make sense.

No, no. You-you-you can't...

So we'll integrate non-progressional evolution theory with God's creation of Eden. Eleven inherent metaphoric parallels already there. Eleven. Important number. Prime number. One goes into the house of eleven eleven times, but always comes out one. Noah's ark is a problem.

Really?

We'll have to call it early quantum state phenomenon. Only way to fit 5000 species of mammal on the same boat.

River, you don't fix the Bible.

It's broken. It doesn't make sense.

It's not about making sense. It's about believing in something, and letting that belief be real enough to change your life. It's about faith. You don't fix faith, River. It fixes you.

scratched in at [8:30 PM]

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Thursday, March 05, 2009

I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothing new
I loved you with a fire red-
Now it's turning blue, and you say...
"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

scratched in at [11:14 PM]

0 screams

It's too late to apologize?

scratched in at [1:56 AM]

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Sunday, February 22, 2009

Deify

"That's what I believe got him re-elected, is the people knew that you could believe what he says."

"Our Country is strong, we go forward to defend freedom, and all that is good and just in our world."

All my devotion betrayed
I am no longer afraid
I was too blinded to see
How much you've stolen from me

You want to know why I feel so horrified?
I've let my innocence die
You want to know why I can't be pacified?
You made me bury something
I won't be sleeping tonight

I only wanted a blessing made
Now I've been labeled a renegade
It seems so clear now what I must do
You're no immortal
I won't let them
Deify you
They view you as the new messiah
Deify you
Renew belief in some demented man

You want to know why it seems the passion's died?
We've all been living this lie
You want to know why my will's been fortified?
You've made me hunger again
Good luck sleeping tonight

I only wanted a blessing made
Now I've been labeled a renegade
It seems so clear now what I must do
You're no immortal
I won't let them
Deify you
They view you as the new messiah
Deify you
Renew belief in some demented man

All my devotion betrayed
I am no longer afraid
I was too blinded to see
How much you've stolen from me

Deify you
They view you as the new messiah
Deify you
Renew belief in some demented man

scratched in at [3:00 PM]

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Saturday, February 21, 2009

Save Our Souls

A man looks at his son with a sad look upon his face
He doesn't cry

He sits there on the street within his eyes they're showing you
The reason why

Where have you gone? Gone away, leaving us in the same tragedy
Won't you stay? I don't know where to go, I don't know where to go
Please say to God we don't know where to go to save our souls

Hope falls from the sky on iron wings, But it don't ever hit the ground
People scatter everywhere
But all they see is the barrel of a gun

Where have you gone? Gone away, leaving us in the same tragedy
Won't you stay? I don't know where to go, I don't know where to go
Please say to god, I don't know where to go to save our souls

Say to God, I don't know where to go, I don't know where to go
Please say to god, I don't know where to go, I don't know where to go

Please say... Hooo
Please say...

scratched in at [10:09 PM]

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Sunday, February 15, 2009

I'm sorry Sam, I'm sorry Steph, I'm sorry Elaine... I'm so sorry, I really am...

I won't let anyone hurt you that way again.

scratched in at [1:16 AM]

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What? Do I think they’re malicious? No, no I do not; they’re just foolish, very foolish. The problem is that they consider this foolish and simple-minded outlook towards the way they regard most things as something not only to be proud of, but something to be encouraged and cultivated.

Unfortunately this means that they are easily manipulated by those that manage to get them under their sway, and to which they would end up doing many things of which morality they are only dimly aware of, but of which would truly shock and revile them once the implications of the deeds they had been duped into doing are understood.

scratched in at [1:11 AM]

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Saturday, February 07, 2009

to be yourself is all that you can do
shouldn't be afraid
don’t lose any sleep tonight
because everything is going to be alright

and there is no need to fight anymore

scratched in at [1:34 AM]

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Sunday, January 25, 2009

be yourself

someone falls to pieces
sleepin' all alone
someone kills the pain
spinning in the silence
to finally drift away
someone gets excited
in a chapel yard
catches a bouquet
another lays a dozen white roses on a grave

to be yourself is all that you can do
to be yourself is all that you can do

someone finds salvation in everyone
and another only pain
someone tries to hide themself
down inside their selfish brain
someone swears his true love
until the end of time
another runs away
separate or united?
healthy or insane?

to be yourself is all that you can do
to be yourself is all that you can do
to be yourself is all that you can do
to be yourself is all that you can do

you can be fading out
and pulled apart
or been in love
every single memory of
could have been faces of love
don't lose any sleep tonight
i'm sure everything will end up alright
you may win love

but to be yourself is all that you can do
to be yourself is all that you can do

scratched in at [1:26 AM]

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Saturday, January 24, 2009

A letter to a young person who met a violent end

dear friend:

Your departure fills me with deep sadness and remorse. As someone with a true love of Chinese kung fu, I am acutely aware that violence can mislead people to savage and desperate actions, and how fascination with violence has led untold numbers of young people to pay a heavy price, or even lose their lives. But some situations have no need for a violent resolution; kindness and humanity is altogether possible. In many cases, the use of violence will not only fail to solve a problem, it will make it even worse. And once it is used, there is no taking it back. Violence begets more violence rather than bringing justice.

The highest level of Chinese martial arts is harmony among all things. It stresses both inward and outward cultivation and possesses a wealth of meaning and profound implications. It is the power of spirit and of faith. Violence belongs to a novice's misunderstanding of martial arts and advocates a competition of reckless force; there is no way for it to ascend to a contest on a spiritual level. The true way to solve a problem is through an attitude of tolerance, patience, magnanimity, and humility, and above all by using a spirit of harmony to resolve discord.

Looking through the pages of human history, we see far too many people who have shed their blood or lost their lives due to war and aggression. They believed in violent martial arts and hoped to use its great power to win victory over others, thereby achieving vainglory and satiation. But ultimately they discovered that this is a fearsome snare permeated with all of our greed, desire, bigotry, and inhumanity, a glittering enticement that pulls humanity into an inescapable pit. Many are those who have succumbed to it through violence.

Chinese martial arts have a long history, so we should understand all the more what real power truly is, and what our stance should be when trouble nears.

Using this opportunity given me by Esquire, I hope that your friends, those young, violent movie lovers, will take this bitter lesson to heart, and will find better fortune along their road in the future.

Donnie Yen
2008.09.02

scratched in at [5:37 PM]

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Thursday, January 22, 2009

Declassified

God is awesome!
When a man of God resort to telling blatant lies...Itz scary

this is man of God in RCC?

it is just a general comment =)
:)
how r u doing?

surviving
it has been interesting times

haha yeah

oh well

=)

:)

why u ask?
is there a man of God in RCC that telll lies?

haha it's tough to know who's really speaking truthfully in church nowadays

haha
well lies will one day be exposed it is that simple

i am guessing that will be sooner then later in our case
Haix

really?
why u say that?

cos things keep happening recently
more and more stuff is coming out

some more stuff?
i onli heard abt that email asking who is leaving

and some other phone calls and messages in that effect as well

i see
and of cos the rumours that i am bringing pple out

haven't heard that to be honest
but i guess some might want to imply that

haha that is higher level rumours
aniwae...the way he handles matters it is only natural pple leave

haha i guess that has almost become inevitible now
we might be having a talk with him, some of the YAWA people

i see
pple like dom?

and shaun too

i see
talk abt wat?

how everything is affecting us and the stuff that has been going on

i see

do you think coming to RCC was a mistake?

nope

i see

i still believe it was God's will
but smehow the enemy had managed to penetrate thru one man

mmm
that's sad

well
he will be held responsible by God

what should we do?
about the us and the kids?

us and the kids?
meaning?

YAWA and Rgen

Rgen is gone
he will probably remove the youth service concept

i think it's already removed

he told the leaders that the name Revival Generation is to be given back to me since it is my vision
so he will prob change the name too

i see
i don't think it's true that it's your vision only
but if that's how things are played then it is reallysad

he is trying to remove anything that has got to do with me
as in what u all should do
i think u have to seek God urself

i understand

i think some have seek God and decided to go

ya...

scratched in at [1:38 AM]

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Tuesday, January 20, 2009

HOlistic Conversations

hey man


Sup


nothing lar
sorry im an angry man
not very good lar


hmm
you're human, not rgen
deal with it
smile
it's kay
hmmm...


u deal with it
stop harping on rgen


actually i've long since stopped feeling much bout it
it's juz kinda fashionable nowadays to blame everything on it, kinda like a running joke
shaun why your parking crooked? then we blame it on rgen
like come up with some improbable link
lol
hmmm it's k
i think pple are still angry even when they say they've moved on
i've read some of the tag comments on gt's blog
we can't skip the steps


yeah its NOT me btw
wah biang


i know lah
Lol


dunno lar
i know a lot of RCC people have said alot behind my back


lots of stuff
i prolly add in a line or two at times


what!?


thou ima not even in RCC
actually i shoot everybody
kinda like joker u know


what did u say about me
?


hmmm let me try to rem
oh ya
i was saying how incredibly incongrous your pre-leaving behaviour was to the actual idea of the body of christ
but then again you are hardly alone in that behaviour
let's face it, we were all assholes
Haaa


my behaviour was incongruous
?!
sigh to think i stood up for u..


i apperciate that
but i think u should stand up for the truth more :)
it was pretty incongruous


hey...
before i left u agreed with me on a lot of things


i did
that's y i joined u all mah
for a while
as did dilys and jem quek


u know
this does hurt me somewhat
and i've always treated u as a friend


hmmm i am not questioning your ability in friendship
merely pointing out that true friends see each other for who they are
warts and all


true frineds dun talk behind each others back
but thats not important lar


yep, so why do we?


when have i?
we is a very dangerous statement in this case


plenty of times did you not?
about James, Pst Tony
Doug
Glen


doug?!
Glen?!


not bad things
but things that you should prehaps have said to them in person
but nevertheless things that did alter my perception of them negatively


DOUG?! when have i ever said anything about doug?
i really dont remember saying that abt doug


ie. "doug is blinded"
he does not "see who tony is?"
james has the sprit of lawlessness?
glen is a yes-man, and he does not know anything?
hmm that's over now wat


well yeah i did say those things and im sorry


i'm not pinning it on ya, just saying that it happened and it's okay
=)
cos pple were just weird then
but i am just more afraid that we believe in our own version of self-righteous history
and "move on"?


i made mistakes and im sorry for them


we should be, we're human


i did things i never expected myself to do


i never expected you to be perfect man
it's okay
chill, my time with my non-christian friends have taught me a lot about friendship
in a gruff sort of way


and nevertheless the call for moving on is valid


it is
but we must do it for real
REAL


well it doesnt look like im the one not moving on does it


ie. it is not something we mouth to make ourselves feel better or ignore issues, but something that really involves a true moving on of things


of course


hmmm well if you ask me, my opinion is


i didnt ask


ha i'll say it anyway


not really wanting to hear it


mmm no problem then*


i just wanna say that if i did anything to u
im sorry
i truly am


i know, i don't really blame you guys for being unable to love
your hands were kinda tied


u know its this kinda statements that show u're not moving on


eh? how so?


think about it
aiyah im tired lar
still friends?


always have been mah
hmmm what a strange question


the world is a far pettier place these days
im gonna be afk


it is =) i am a lot happier


talk later


kay cheers man
take care
chat soon



*anyway, my unsolicited opinion is that all too often the call that is given to “move on” from the sticky issues ends up being a thought-terminating cliché and is used to justify the simply forgetting and ignorance of many pertinent issues that ought to be dealt with in full if we are to consider ourselves the true substance of the Christians we often claim ourselves to be.

The call to “move on” should be a call not to escape the unpleasant past by selective forgetfulness, nor should it be a justification to ignore the deeds that we have done and have to truly consider. Indeed, simply changing churches does not mean that the devastation you caused in the life by your actions intentional or not towards others do not matter anymore. In this case, to ignore all this and justify it under “moving on” would truly be a horrible perversion the actual call of God for us to move beyond the baggage of the past.

Of course, if this “moving on” also means moving on with our own version of history that inevitably paints us as the persecuted bunch who were forced into circumstances and to which we are the ultimate victims of events and that the pain and bewilderment of anyone else outside of our group of ideology is of little importance, then it is yet another perversion of this call to move on.

Deep down I wonder, is there not even a moment that they would have given thought to the possibility that they might have done even some things wrong? When I went to Cornerstone memorized and absorbed by their ideology of “new beginnings” and “visions”, I realized disturbingly that when it came to the issue they painted themselves as the victims, ignoring entirely their own responsibility and relationships to others, and seeing the current state of affairs as largely inevitable and to which they were mostly beyond fault... I looked at all that was happening and found this extremely difficult to believe... and also somewhat more disturbed that they were seemingly willing to “move on” with these ideas in their head and hearts.

Ultimately... where is the self-introspection? Surely what is wrong with our lives go beyond simply not praying enough or what have you not... we have done very concrete wrongs on our own part, worse, whitewashed it under plenty of blanket spiritual terms and justifications and then attempt to emerge as if our two-bit theology of hastily constructed ideas interspaced together with words like “vision”, “convictions” and “destiny” actually gave us any moral high-ground or legitimacy in the eyes of God.

We need to be open about all this to truly move on. To be honest I don’t really feel Gerald Ho was truly sorry about what he did in the months leading up to the leaving... I do not think he is not truly sorry because he is a bad person, but more because he has absorbed a particular ideology that has enabled him to largely ignore or whitewash the consequences of his own actions while playing up the injustices done to him. In my analysis, this particular ideology uses several concepts and devices such as “moving on”, “revival”, “destiny” or “vision” as goals to be achieved, at which most other basic practices of Christianity, such as showing love are apparently expendable for the purposes of achieving these goals.

In other words, even the very basic Christian practice of righting what we done wrong, or at least truly coming to terms with it and making even slight attempts to reconcile in love, before even starting on how people have wronged us, will be dispensed with if it threatens the indoctrinated concepts like “moving on”, “revival”, “destiny” or “vision”. Of course reconciliation and dealing with our own depravity is never easy practice, and even now I struggle with a lot of it... but I find the view of the exiles towards their own actions extremely strange indeed.

And I wish they’ll be more open about their own irregularities, as opposed to pointing out those of others.

Hence I find all this very hard to believe... the concept-based, objective-driven faith practiced by those who went to Cornerstone isn’t the faith I originally knew... whatever it is, this isn’t what it means to be a Christian. Where is the love?

I just didn’t find it at all in their version of “moving on”. Of course anybody with basic common sense knows we have to move on from all this but I am not convinced their way of doing it is really the way it ought to be.

scratched in at [1:21 AM]

0 screams

Unbreakable

Where are the people that accused me?
The ones who beat me down and bruised me
They hide just out of sight
Can’t face me in the light
They’ll return but I’ll be stronger

God, I want to dream again
Take me where I’ve never been
I want to go there
This time I’m not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it’s unmistakable
No one can touch me
Nothing can stop me

Sometimes it’s hard to just keep going
But faith is moving without knowing
Can I trust what I can’t see
To reach my destiny
I want to take control but I know better

God, I want to dream again
Take me where I’ve never been
I want to go there
This time I’m not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it’s unmistakable
No one can touch me
Nothing can stop me

Forget the fear it’s just a crutch
That tries to hold you back
And turn your dreams to dust
All you need to do is just trust

God, I want to dream again
Take me where I’ve never been
I want to go there
This time I’m not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it’s unmistakable
No one can touch me
Nothing can stop me

scratched in at [12:57 AM]

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Sunday, January 11, 2009

Conservative, Liberal, and Radical

Which analysis is correct? It is impossible to say, without studying what’s actually happening in the world, and that is a separate project. I can say, however, that being sociologically mindful requires taking the bigger picture into account and trying to see how one part of the social world- the economy, for instance- is related to other parts- schools, for instance. If we don’t do this, we will fail to see important things about how our society works. I can also say that if liberal and conservative remedies have not worked, then we might reasonably suspect that the source of the problem lies deeper than either of these perspectives can see.

After saying all this about liberal, conservative, and radical perspectives, here is the upshot: The label put on an analysis doesn’t matter very much. What matters is whether the analysis is based on solid evidence and careful thinking. To try to discredit an analysis simply by giving it an unpopular label is not intellectually responsible. All analyses are open to challenge, of course. But an intelligent challenge worthy of equal consideration must be in the form of a counterargument.

scratched in at [11:37 PM]

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Friday, January 09, 2009

they use truths to tell you a lie

we use lies to tell you a truth

scratched in at [3:34 PM]

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Wednesday, December 31, 2008

2008

2008 is coming to an end...

What a wacky year...

Nuff said...

scratched in at [12:16 PM]

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Monday, December 29, 2008

scratched in at [5:38 PM]

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Friday, December 19, 2008

for no reason

put on your shoes
people used to tell me
now the think it's like a style
of some kind or something

how do I explain that
I just don't believe in
all this purposely for
the world's perception of me

this is only rubbish put eloquently
like all the gothic poetry
kids are writing
from the high school scene

Hey let's start running
for no reason
let's start laughing
without any jokes
when did we need excuses to do what we do I won't explain myself
wouldn't you agree that sounds nice

that's right
we can go out
watch a movie
climb out my window
in the middle of the night
and when the world's asleep we shall dance like mad
amusement only
would't you agree that sounds nice

so you mean you just
don't like wearing shoes
I've got sweety feet
I think I've made my point

if you truly like it then
it won't mean a thing
if it's a trend or if it's banned
by the fashion police

all the things I do I don't do them for you
I'm not down to earth not
planning to be
it's all hypocrisy

scratched in at [2:42 PM]

0 screams

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you
I've never had a selfless thought since I was born
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through
I want God, you, all friends merely to serve my turn

Peace, reassurance, pleasure are the goals I seek
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin
I talk of love, a scholar's parrot may talk greek
but, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin

C.S. Lewis

scratched in at [2:35 PM]

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Tuesday, December 16, 2008

This We Are

The stark truth is this; when we enter any movement and decide to see it through we are gambling several years of our life on it, maybe five, maybe seven, for some it may be more. And unfortunately things may not really turn out the way we’d hoped them to.

All movements look good when they first start out- it’s only along the way in years that we can really figure out if it was a good thing or not. And if it was a bad thing you realize that there is no refund on the entire thing… those years of your life are simply spent on working towards something that isn’t really turning out the way you envisioned it.

So eventually you have to make a stark choice: you can choose to stay even longer and stick it out and hope things get better, or leave and move on to other things in life. But time is not the only factor here… you’ve invested your hopes, energy, opportunities and what have you not in all these years, do you stay with all that or cut your losses and move on? In those years we could have done so many other things… things that could have mattered.

There is no easy answer… and I realize I have become a crank of sorts in the past 6 months as I grappled with these issues. Rats, did I really waste the past seven years of my life? And of course there were all those things that I had been subject to like the subtle discrimination and contempt, the authoritarian abuse, the oppression and the false hopes and dreams that we had been fed. I have been repeating over and over again the stuff that went wrong, and I can’t seem to stop.

Because I could not reconcile them with the rest of my life, I needed to relive the incidents over and over again until some closure could be found. I found myself talking about the abuses of my youth ministry to my friends outside of it, to people I barely knew, on this blog, to old friends… over and over again I kept on repeating myself to the point that even I grew wearily of it.

Because this is not life… who I am and my life isn’t about what Ben said or did to me, as crappy or painful as they may be. The reality of who I am does not, and never changed even if they didn’t understand me and treated me as a some form of Jerald Puah, Sirong or Daryl Ting, always out of the loop of things, somewhat lesser because there was something “off” about us and not like the elite inner circle of the “true” members.

Yes it stinks, and I was silly to put up with it for so many years… what they think and how they treat me does NOT define me. Of course it isn’t easy to believe your own perception of reality and know your own calling when it seems that the authoritarian system only accepts a certain mould and you happen to fall outside of it… but at the end of the day you can’t change who you know you really must be for the ignorance of others. If you do you pay the price.

So yes, at the end of the day no one put a gun to our head and told us to be RGenners, it was still our choice, even though it wasn’t a fair choice given all the propaganda, thought control, and what have you not… but it was still our choice to make. We were the ones who handed over the keys of our hearts and minds to people who were not worthy of stewarding them.

And it’s still our choice to get out of it, this vicious cycle of bitterness and disillusionment.

Because Iife is too short… you’ve already allowed them to waste five to seven years of your life… are you going to let the hurt and bitterness destroy even what that we have left? And we still have plenty left, and a lot of it is good.

Yes we’re hurt and disillusioned, yes some are bitter and how our “friends” just walked out on us and suddenly we are enemies not because we did anything really wrong to each other, but because we decided to take sides with man and do plenty of thoughtless things… gossip, leave the youth in the lurch, deadly silence, forgetting about each other.

But this is not what we are.

That’s why I want to stop talking about it, not because I want to pretend nothing happen or run away from stuff in cowardice (there is a difference between moving on and cowardice)… but because we still have a life to live, and I was surprised I didn’t see it all this while. All the time I was thinking my life was over and there was nothing left to do, many things that were choked and suppressed under the reign of RGen were springing back to life… and I realize I can’t live for the hurts and deficiencies of RGen anymore.

I was always disturbed and restless by the incongruence I perceived between my calling as an artist and the fact that the ministry saw little use for it. The only time they really bothered was when they needed you to do something that they couldn’t, but beyond that you were that “secular” guy. All this while I was grappling with that and angry with it I was meeting plenty of extremely creative Christians in my school how were showing me that it was more than a valid calling and that our gifts are more than just to do camp t-shirts or edit videos, but something more. My youth pastor could not see it and hence it wasn’t real to him, but that never mattered... I just let his opinion of things matter to me… it was my fault for trying to please man but now I see. We are far from useless.

I had trouble fitting into the ministry all the years I was there and it wasn’t from lack of trying… I simply wasn’t their poster child of a submissive, unquestioning, revival-seeking, pure-music listening, youth-leader in making that they seemed to envision for everyone. They didn’t GET me, and I always thought it was a problem with ME. But even as stuff started falling apart I didn’t realize that I had found myself for the first time in many years, among a group of people that I could totally gel with. They understood and respected me, they did not condescend to me nor treat me with contempt… and I even got a bit popular with them :P… And I wasn’t trying. But the difference is that I felt appreciated, I didn’t have to bend over backwards to earn a “well done good and faithful RGenner” from my leaders. For the first time I had more then a few friends who connected to me, and not friends that handled me through the system.

I am not a prophetic, sanctified, set-apart, super holy-of-holies worship ministry person… I like music but I approach it from the perspective of an artist. Music to me is more than just something we use for Churchy and Christianity stuff but represents the expression and cry of a generation, be they believing or not. And while I respect their convictions to keep themselves only listening to the good stuff (maybe they really need that conviction to keep undistracted)… it is not mine. For me I know I am missing out on a big part of what connects me to my generation and how I can influence it if I ignore the secular part of it. I can’t, I would be useless. I knew it the moment Evanescence, Flyleaf and Lifehouse did more for my faith then all the RGen approved Planetshakers people were trying to cram down my throat but that took me a while to reconcile. But suddenly now I find myself playing in a band among other Christians in school and I enjoy it tremendously. And we aren’t playing Christianese stuff all the time… but something’s being done…

And it’s just a few.

I thought that I had missed out on a vital part of social development having spent seven years stunted in RGen fed on hijacked and taken-out-of-contact Joshua Harris ideas and suddenly I am dating someone now.

I thought I had lost the ability to really have fun, and I learned how to party again.

I knew I had to learn to fight, but was always opposed… and now I find myself trained in MMA and for some reason that’s connecting me to people in ways I never knew.

I knew I had to create something, make a film. Never had that chance in RGen because they didn’t see a use for it… and suddenly I find myself with a short film under my belt that was something I always wanted to do.

I wanted acceptance… and I unwittingly found favour with others when I was not soliciting it nor trying to be somebody I was not.

I wanted a faith that was real… and I found it back in the strangest of places. It wasn’t at an altar, it wasn’t at some prophetic meeting, it wasn’t in some sermon. It was just by going out and living among the people that my ex-ministry viewed as little more than abstract stereotypes to keep away from unless evangelizing, getting to know them as real people that God still utterly loves and learning to love them… and just being myself, being free, making a lot of mistakes along the way but then-

-suddenly it clicked.

Hey, I am a Christian.

So that’s what it means.

I don’t have all the answers yet… but strangely I thought I’ve lost everything when this year was actually a year that I seemed, strangest of all… to have gained the most things. Now I know how Shir felt when she had her ephanany and could finally let go of the things that happened to her that was frankly… many times worse then what we went though.

So yes I want to move on, because there is so much to live for, so much more things that are real.

scratched in at [5:06 AM]

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Monday, December 15, 2008

for keeps

i feel like i am standing

on the edge of something really big

everything we know is changing

and more is about to change

we always wanted something like this

but we didn't know it'll happen this way

i want to do this

why am i afraid

i shouldn't be

maybe because this time

this is real

this is for keeps

it's not somebody else's vision

i am scared

because this is mine

i don't need to please man anymore

and while i feel freer

in some ways

it is so much more frightening

this is for keeps

scratched in at [3:00 AM]

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Saturday, December 13, 2008

Iz

argh
i suck at relationships
Haha

no la..
i think you are sincerely, a nice guy
and people can see that
and relationships, they kinda find ways to screw up no matter what
i mean even married couples have trouble too
so its really not you
but i guess finding the right person and being patient enough with each other to learn how to deal with being together, you know?

yeah i guess
just that i lost so much time well hanging around a group that i juz realize treated me with contempt all these years
haha you're not the only neurotic one

aw man ):

it's like i half-suspected they kept me around so they could have someone around to feel better bout emselves

wth that is crazy
what was it they disapproved about you anyhow?

hmm
different i guess
i didn't really buy their idea of cultural imperialism
i'll let you in on a little secret
some christians think that the way to "change" the world is to convert everyone to believe what they believe and think like them
and ima not talking about the basic creeds of christianity... but really innane things...
basically i dunno... i felt they were less interested in helping people or doing good then imposing a particular way of life on others
and those who didn't toe the line were simply laid aside
i dunno... i am not sure if that is my kinda of faith
0_0

mm i know
i have a friend who's kinda in that um area of christianity too
its basically why im not keen on the idea of evangelising

hmmm

or doing charity work and throwing a hefty dose of evangelising

i think pple would not mind evangelising...
if it's like done in a spirt of fairness
nowadays the spirit of the whole thing can be very manipulative

idk..to me it makes me uncomfortable because it seems imposing?
exactly

like you trick pple to events
and then hard sell stuff to them

especially when there's charity involved too

as if faith was some product
yea... i dunno

like say, you go overseas to a really poor non-christian orphanage
who would obviously welcome your charity be it your labour or gifts
and i think that's toeing the line of emotional blackmail because they would feel somewhat pressurized to accept the evangelizing too you know? even though they might be happily Buddhist

if our truths were really so evident, you just need to tell pple what u believe, you dun have to burst a vein trying to sell it as if it's some product
yea
i just feel that
things should be fair

Yeah

i got into some tussle with them
ie. i may not agree with homosexuality? but i believe it's their right to express their own point of view and bring it into the field of debate
but the peeps from my ex-church? well, they dun believe apparently even in the rights of those different from them to express their views
and i got into trouble because of that

loll

lol

oh man

bargh i feel like strangling them sometimes
esp the truthiness movement

lol the truthiness?
that sounds something out from the simpsons
i think you meant truthness right?

truthiness is a term used to describe something that is determined to be true because they support our position and "gut" feeling about things

ah

yep

oh man

like there was once my ex-youth pastor gave this sermon and he was saying like homosexuality was an abomination because even animals didn't do it
and well... that is BLATANTLY untrue
but he passed it off as fact to pple who would just accept it

bummer

and if you try to correct that, they think you're a pro-gay activist or something
lol

i'm not pro gay, i'm just pro-fact!

yeah

that's what you should have said.

it's kinda shameful

LOL
it happens

like gosh, as christians our duty is to the truth
not to what we like to feel

it happens everywhere! rhetoric sucks balls.

to be truth
yeah man
gosh
my favourite one was when my ex-youth pastor
tried to tell me that dinosaurs were all made up and didn't exist
0_0

LOL

at that point i kinda realized that the whole ministry wasn't one that was too interested in facts
dunno why i stuck with them, maybe i didn't have anywhere else to go

hahaha hit you like the meteorite that killed the dinosaurs huh

hahah yah

nah, i guess you were looking for something

i found it kinda funny, but i realized he didn't know nuts about anything

lke we all are

but was using his authority to get me to think more in line with what he'd like as a shortcut
no debates, no examining the facts

and well, now you know that wasn't it! onwards with the search i say!

hahah yeah
beh, i am not really surprised why pple are so disgusted with christians at times :P
cos to be truthful, we deserve that reputation at times

its okay

if not most of the time

i think its safe to say that people are alot more apprehensive about muslims at the moment lol
likewise

haha yeah
argh, what's wrong with the fanatics
i think when God gave us a brain, He wanted us to do something with it
like i dunno... USE IT?

you know how the muslim world immediately disassociates itself from the terrorist groups when something bad happens?
i think we need to own up somewhat la.
something is wrong with the system, coupled with volatile socio-economic-political circumstances that is causing this you know/

yea...

personally to me, i think a huge reason why islam is so susceptible to wayward deviation is the fact that we lack a symbolic figure to hold on to
i think art history has shown us very well how important humans find physical/human representation of the ideals that they choose to hold on to
mmm but you do have your reasons for your iconoclasm wat
i mean, there is a reason why christianity evolved from being no-icon to a develop an icon that is essentially, emotionally moving
we do, and they are valid reasons
but i think its also the weakness
because that makes islam SUCH an abstract ideal

mmm catholic and orthodox traditions maybe... but the protestant traditions, esp the modern, independent one i hailed from... was... pretty iconoclastic as well
they simply saw no use for art

that's true
but you have jesus to relate to you know

hahah yeah that is true

the whole son of god idea
that humanizes it like whoa, and makes it more relatable i guess
and for islam, that doesn't apply. so you have basically an abstract system and people following it hollowly i think. because without that close symbol, i think actual faith is doubly hard to establish
and then that hollow faith can sometimes be filled by more enigmatic, and not neccessarily correct, religious leaders
and then we have the whole deal of elevating these religious leaders to monumental scales of greatness, which is noble but not neccessary and not really in line with the actual idea of islam anyway
/thesis

LOL

mmm

haha we have the same problem in Christianity as well
it's always who is the most charismatic, the most extreme, the loudest and most agressive speaking that draws the crowds
esp where i come from
there's the whole issue with celebrity pastors and i am not talking city harvest
but for some reason i had a sneaking feeling that our faith was centered a lot around one man and not God
at least where i was :P
i realized i didn't dare to do what i really wanted to do because i felt my youth pastor would disagree with me, and for some reason, even thou i didn't want to admit it then... i put my youth pastor's opinion over what i knew God's opinion was... and i dunno, i believe thier lies of value? that how useful you were was how much they accepted you as being useful
there's lots of funkiness in Christianity as well, and i believe a lot of it has very little to do with what C.S. Lewis would call "mere Christianity"
gahh
dunno Iz... i think whatever it is, we just got to make sure our faith is ours' and not somebody elses... i dun care how much they disapprove of it :)
kays ima better sleep now!

take care!

scratched in at [4:21 PM]

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Thursday, December 11, 2008

Crossing the Line

Where does one draw the line I wonder?

We all know it’s an important thing, what we have to do: saving lives, changing the world. But does the importance of the thing justify cutting certain corners here and there to “aid” things along the way.

How far do we go to make our peers more “evangelistic”, or at least more useful to the cause of “evangelism”.

Where I came from we knew this evangelism by the name of “revival”. It was an overarching catchphrase, a label and yardstick by which we judged all things. If you had something that was obviously useful to “revival”, good for you. If you had something that wasn’t that relevant towards “revival”… then it’s time to “count the cost” and let it go or at least find some explicitly revivalist purpose for it.

I met up with my ex-juniors from the ex-ministry recently, and the thing that surprised me what that one of the persons in the group apparently didn’t join the Group of Vision and Destiny. She, like me, had visited them after the split and even toyed with the idea for a while of carrying on with them... but eventually we left them altogether.

What was most surprising was that I didn’t expect her to make that decision, for by all appearances she was the poster-child of the ministry, an example that everybody should be. She was obedient, unquestioning, nice and generally pleasant. By all appearances she was totally sold out to the idea of “revival” as defined by the ministry and felt most keenly the loss of this purpose following the split. By all appearances she was one of those which seemed to be “destined” to eventually follow and join the Group of Vision and Destiny but she didn’t… and the reasons she revealed was rather surprising.

It was because while she wanted to go somewhere, she eventually came to see the Group of Vision and Destiny as something she would rather avoid after paying them a visit (this is extremely surprising coming from a person who followed all the rules and convictions to the letter). She told me that all the while in the ministry she had been under a certain pressure and expectation to perform, to conform to something that she knew that she wasn’t and while she felt lost after her leaders left, following them to where they are suddenly made her realize that she would be stepping back into that old pressure to be what they were expecting of her… and she didn’t want that. She wasn’t that person, and that revelation kinda rocked my socks as we sat down at Starbucks and contemplated the crazy year of 2008 over some coffee.

If all this talk about “revival” was really real and good and true, if it was really supposed to be our destiny and vision… then why does it seem to detach so many of us from who we know we really are? Is it because we are depraved and degenerate and hence do not have the “heart of revival” or is it because there was something so fundamentally unreal about the whole affair of the last few years. Expectations, obligations, rules, external pressure to have convictions… was all this really “revival”?

I don’t know and I don’t really have the answers, but I realize that all these years we have only been fed one narrative of the Christian faith: that of “revival”… could it be that all that we are as Christians is a lot bigger than this particular issue? Could it be that all this while we were weeping and gnashing our teeth about not having prayed or fasted enough, of not having enough “presence” and “burdern” when He was actually trying to tell us something else instead?

I don’t know… but I have a suspicion that perhaps the whole thing about “catching the vision” has been severely and illegally overplayed. There was this pressure to “catch the vision” ie. to see things in a certain way and go for a certain objective. That was our measure of orthodoxy as a member of RGen, which was basically how “revivalist” we were in our outlook and how much we were willing to sacrifice for it.

0_0

Is that why people are so bitter? Unfortunately, despite what Gerald Ho says, the past can be a lot harder for some to simply forget and move on... it is easier to move on when your own brand of philosophy determines the realness of people by how much they agree with you, the less they do the less real they are and the more disposable they are. It is harder when perhaps you hold the (perhaps more bilblical) view that connections formed in love with your friends go beyond the ministry and matter despite what happens. Understandly, it is hard for some like Gerald Tan to let go, it simply isn’t.

Think about the past few years… are they suddenly unreal in the light of what happened? I might not have been that close a friend to your Group of Vision and Destiny but he certainly was. Does it end like this?

I don’t know but this simply isn’t my idea of revival… It is somebody’s idea of it maybe… that revival means changing the world to think like us, because our mindset is the right and Godly one and requires no critical examination or self-reflection whatsoever.

That is the problem with it I suspect… that we were sold somebody’s narrow idea and plan on what it is and how it should become. We never really had the chance to discover it for ourselves. I experienced a revival once, and during that time I didn’t have somebody to tell me what I had to do to make it happen or what it really was about… it just happened.

I really don’t know, but… unfortunately the silence on this has been deafening. It’s almost Singaporean… this culture of silence. When things go bad and wrong people quiet up, retreat into their own camps, and mutter about their “enemies” behind their back. There is no reconciliation, despite the fact that both sides claim they are doing the “biblical” thing.

There were no explanations and honest talk… we were just told our friends of years had to walk out of our lives because they “heard God” and were “following the Vision”.

No explanations.

Just silence.

After so much crying and talking about spiritual powers and revival and what have you not… suddenly it’s silence. Everybody pretends we are all okay, because this is what we are trained to do.

To be unreal, we are okay when we are not.

It wasn’t until I started questioning about things that I realized things were so different from what we were told to believe that they were. Our departure from CHS was hardly smooth, and so many dodgy questions still remain. Our entrance into RCC was hardly smooth as well, and many questionable things were done, things that were glossed over in the name of authority and unquestioning obedience.

But we all seemed so okay then… we all pull on our smiles as we were rolling with the punches.

In the meantime we started to lose contact with reality and who we really were. Dreams were crushed and forgotten, milestones in life missed because we were so fixated on “counting the cost” and listening to whatever they told us. We stopped trying to see things as they really were and only whatever was most conductive towards helping the “vision” along.

Was I so blind?

Samuel finally told us what he and the rest felt in the wake of our departure from CHS back in 2003, as well as the other side of the story. He had resisted the temptation to do so all these five years out of respect for our position. And what he revealed simply made me feel quite ashamed… our actions were so callous, so cold and so unloving… and we did it all in the name of God.

Did we believe we were doing the right thing? Prehaps. Did we do it the right way? Certainly not. The thing is… I would like to move on but it isn’t easy. It isn’t easy because I am just not content to forget and carry on with the simplistic belief that we did nothing wrong and ignore the consequences of our actions. I am not sure how some of us can sleep at night… except by being in ignorance and denial.

But then again I am not sure really… maybe some really do need to not see the truth because it would just ruin them. It has messed them up enough… maybe people like Jasmine, Emma, Aletheia, Gavin and the sorts are just better off believing the Benjamin narrative of things because it is really their purpose to be doing the sort of things they are doing and their destiny would be in peril if they really knew the truth. Maybe it works to have them view us as those who are “living in sin” and have fallen away, or at worst, their enemies.

So we just forget? Move on?

Maybe… I am trying to catch up on seven years of arrested development and making a lot of mistakes along the way but for some reason this feels so much more real, more alive. Things don’t look that stagnant anymore and I’ve tried so many things for the first time, some I like, some I regret… but mostly of the former. Things are still wacky as they are, I am still a feral Christian who tends to lash out, even at my current churchmates, when they get start to remind me of what I was under previously but I am working on differentiating between what was RGen and what is now my current church.

I wonder if they will forbear me, because I must certainly strike them as strange. One moment I seem to agree with them and the next I am completely aloof and elusive… because I saw a glimmer of RGenish features in them… even through intellectually I know it’s different and in a different context, I guess the instinct and aversion is still there, and of course I am still running all over the place and bring quite an elusive figure for my current cell group leader.

And suddenly I want to check out a catholic mass; given some of my protestant friends have become catholic recently. And of course there's always my good friend Shirin who is always kind enough to be a sounding board for my darker rants and providing me a steady supply of choral music from her catholic chior and I still owe her lunch in NTU... strange how random internet friendships develop...

scratched in at [4:00 AM]

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Wednesday, December 10, 2008

A Beautiful Lie

Lie awake in bed at night
And think about your lies
Do you want to be different?

Different...

Try to let go of the truth
The battles of your youth
’Cause this is just a game

It's a beautiful lie
It's a perfect denial
Such a beautiful lie to believe in
So beautiful, beautiful lie makes me

It's time to forget about the past
To wash away what happened last
Hide behind an empty face
Don't ask too much, just say
'Cause this is just a game

It's a beautiful lie
It's a perfect denial
Such a beautiful lie to believe in
So beautiful, beautiful lie makes me

Lie....Beautiful

Everyone's looking at me
I'm running around in circles, baby
A quiet desperation's building higher
I've got to remember this is just a game

LLLLLIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE
So beautiful, beautiful...
So beautiful, beautiful...
So beautiful, beautiful...
So beautiful, beautiful...


It's a beautiful lie
It's a perfect denial
So beautiful, beautiful
Such a beautiful lie to believe in

So beautiful, beautiful lie makes me

scratched in at [2:16 AM]

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Monday, December 08, 2008

Is Art Necessary for the Christian?

As the old myth has it, Narcissus was a handsome youth who arrogantly shunned the nymphs of the forest. One maiden in particular desired to attract Narcissus' attention, but as much as she tried, Narcissus would not attend to her beauty. At last, she prayed to a goddess that Narcissus would return her love and affection. But her prayer was to no avail--Narcissus only continued to spurn her. Thus, in desperation, the maiden prayed that Narcissus would learn, as she had, what it is to love someone without the return of love. The goddess heard the maiden's prayer and granted her wish.

In the forest was a quiet fountain undisturbed by man or beast. One day, Narcissus approached the fountain. As he knelt down to drink from it, he was surprised by a lovely sight: a beautiful image in the clear pool. It was his own image, of course, but he thought it to be a handsome spirit peering from the fountain. It had beautiful hair, bright, blue eyes, and a healthy complexion.

Narcissus had never seen a more lovely, enrapturing creature, and immediately he fell in love with himself. He drew near to his image to kiss it and tried in vain to embrace his reflection. Yet, every time he tried to grasp his image, it fled away. It was so engaging he could not bring himself to leave, and he lost all desire for food and drink.

Soon Narcissus began to talk with his image in the fountain. "Oh beautiful spirit, why do you escape me each time I try to embrace you? It cannot be that my face is ugly, for all the nymphs of the forest think me to be very beautiful." Over time he pined away for the image and soon began to lose all his health and beauty.

Finally, Narcissus died staring at his image in the fountain striving to embrace the one object of his desire--that is, himself.

Narcissus has no need of art because his own reflection preoccupies him. Beauty engages him, but tragically, what he beholds as beauty is a mere reflection of himself. I would argue moreover that such beauty is no beauty at all. Infinitely worse, it is an obsession that destroys Narcissus. He adores the reflection of his face to a tragic end--and in that end, he is defaced; he disappears from his own view.

This is the supreme irony of Narcissus. He attempts to comprehend himself strictly within the scope of his own image, and in his endeavor to perceive himself, he pushes everything else outside himself.

The story of Narcissus has enormous value to us today--both to secular society and, particularly, to the modern church. Simply put, like Narcissus, the modern world is losing a sense of beauty beyond itself. And this loss of beauty is most clearly seen in our approach--both society's and the church's--to art.

George Steiner, in his masterful book, Real Presences, warns against modern humanity's retreat from art and the divine presence it reveals. His point is quite clear: if we lose the transcendent power of art, we become narcissistic. "It is, I believe, poetry, art and music which relate us most directly to that in being which is not ours." Art must by nature extend beyond its creator or its spectator, or it merely recreates them as Narcissus' mirror did for Narcissus.

Yet, the modern world is a relatively new one in which art focuses upon the subjectivity of the artist. In rare cases does art exist for the sake of external meaning, for something beyond the work of art. No longer does art throw open a window to a reality beyond ourselves and our world as it did up through the nineteenth century. The poetry of Mallarme, the music of John Cage, the novels of Robbe-Grillet, and the paintings of Jackson Pollock persistently express the internal reality of the artist over the reality of truth beyond the artist.

But let me make a note of caution here. I can't say that I enjoy or appreciate Cage's music, but I do appreciate Robbe-Grillet, Mallarme, and Pollock. At times we dismiss artists because their creations do not fit our categories of what good art is or should be. Modern and contemporary artists are doing more than reflecting an internal view. Whether intentionally or not, they are reflecting their world and interpretations of their world. I find Pollock's paintings delightful because there is an emphasis on color and measured chaos. His view of the world, although strange and subjective, adds to my world view.

Nor do I believe that secular, subjectivist art fails to reflect meaning. It is inevitable that a work of art reflects its creator and his or her era. Furthermore, humans who are made in the image of the Creator inevitably reflect him. I know that I will have major dissent here, but every work of art reflects both the artist and the artist's Creator. Ultimately, silence is the only effective denial of God. Even art that denies God cannot deny God.

I want to make it clear that I am not saying that modern art is bad art because it is subjective or overtly meaningless. But generally speaking, art, in the modern age, focuses on the subject to the exclusion of the object--the other, the transcendent.

Early in this century, Gertrude Stein quipped that "there is no there there." Her pronouncement gives expression to the modern's loss of meaning and transcendence--and, I would add, in the final analysis, the loss of God.

And yet there is an immense wager in this view of art. At the risk of simplistically paraphrasing George Steiner: When we lose God, we lose art. And conversely I would add, if we lose art, we lose God. As we see in the case of Narcissus, self-centeredness paves the way to self-destruction.

Hans Urs von Balthasar notes in his book The Glory of the Lord, Vol. 1, that modern humanity lives in a world with very little beauty. It is a world "which is perhaps not wholly without beauty, but which can no longer see it or reckon with it." Von Balthasar reproaches the modern secularist for this ruin of beauty.

This secularist prides himself or herself in a steady, cold stare into the mirror of reality. He or she no longer holds to "myths and fables" which might cloud a vision of authentic existence. Indeed, authenticity is touted by secular philosophers and psychologists to call individuals to be true to themselves--to authenticate themselves by knowing themselves. As von Balthasar teaches, however, knowing oneself is not the problem. Rather, the problem is how we go about knowing ourselves. The secularist authenticates himself or herself outside the reality of God or truth. And if there is no truth outside of self--"no there there"--then truth must lie within.

Hence, in a secularist philosophy, traces of God must be stripped from language and art (Derrida's "zero theology") and thus, in effect, from consciousness. Secularists are left staring starkly into a mirror, and like Narcissus they are enamored with their reflections. But they are bored. Walker Percy, in his collection of essays The Message in the Bottle, asks why America, the most prosperous society in history, is bored. It is because we have discovered ourselves in a secular age and thus we have lost our vision of beauty.

It is tragic enough that some segments of modern society have lost the relevance and meaning of art. But there is a far greater tragedy: I see Steiner's warning of narcissism as extending to the evangelical church. In short, the evangelical church is losing art. Indeed, in literal terms, much of the church is either suspicious of art or ignores it entirely. We warn of the dangers of film, literature, poetry, and music. But the tragic result is that as Christians we not only live in a world without beauty, but we also live in a church without beauty. Some of us live in a Christian subculture that cares more about censoring artists than extolling the God-given virtues of art to our children.

It is important to recognize that the church's suspicion of art is somewhat of a modern dilemma. Ecclesiastical history plainly shows that until recently, the church in general has not existed outside the realm of art. From the first-century catacombs of the Roman Christians to the novels of the southern writer Walker Percy, the church has inspired great art and has been inspired by great art. Historically, the Christian church has been the progenitor and guardian of art.

But that is no more. Beginning with the Reformation and the Enlightenment, the subculture of the modern church began to differ significantly from its ancient predecessor in many areas, but in one area in particular: art. Today the evangelical church is surrendering art and its relevance to the mundane demands of everyday life. Most Christians live outside the purview of the paintings of Chagall, O'Keefe, Brueghel; the novels of Marquez, Morrison, Baldwin; the music of Mozart, Arvo Part, Thelonius Monk; the films of Tarkovsky, Fellini, Wenders; the poetry of Homer, Paz, Angelou.

Ironically then, the Christian who ignores art agrees with a secular view of art--that art has no ultimate meaning for life nor does it reveal the God who is there. I find this fact greatly disturbing. In an area where the church believes itself to be more holy by ignoring music, film, poetry, literature, and the plastic arts, it actually looks more modernist than it does Christian.

In plain terms, the Christian church, historically the creator and guardian of great art, has abdicated its role of nurturing and appreciating great art. Meanwhile, the Bible teaches us something completely different from the modern church's attitude toward art. The question is, does the church's uneasiness with art stem from its historic faith or its modern subculture? I would argue that a chosen ignorance of art is more the result of an uninformed subculture than an informed reading of the Bible.

Psalm 19 tells us that God reveals himself to us in two major ways: his artistry ("the heavens tell the story of God") and his word ("the law of the Lord is perfect"). God speaks to us through symbol and language, art and word. He created us to delight in beauty, goodness, and truth. However, God, the Primary Artist, never intended us to find beauty and meaning within ourselves. Rather, we must look beyond ourselves for these things. According to Psalm 19, knowing God through the avenue of the written word is a necessary but incomplete part of the picture. Throughout its history, the church has known God through the word and art, truth and beauty, grace and nature.{1}

As Christians, we need to come back to the whole truth--truth which is both rational and sensual. Once again, von Balthasar warns that the church has sacrificed beauty for exactness and in so doing it has lost an important element of the truth. He calls the church to break through a rational, propositional, exact view of God "in order to bring the truth of the whole into view again--truth as a transcendental property of Being, truth which is no abstraction" (emphasis mine).

In this sense, my answer to the question, "Is art necessary for the Christian?" is an unequivocal "yes." Art is God-ordained; it is a divine gift that we cannot live without. Without art we lose beauty, and without beauty we lose the vision of a God who is relational, not just propositional. In short, we lose a vision of God who compels awe in the hearts of those who love him. As Wendell Berry writes in his essay, "Style and Grace," "Works of art participate in our lives."

Yet, if this is at all true, then what is it that art brings to the Christian? I propose that art brings three realities to our lives.


Art Transcends Us
"Creation is not a hurdle on the road to God, it is the road itself." -Martin Buber
We can worship art, or art can aid our worship. This is an important distinction. Many Christians conclude that if they love art they are in reality worshipping art. I have never, nor would I ever invite Christians to worship art. If we worship art we are no better than the secularist who admires the work of art but fails to see God shrouded behind that work. Or worse, we are no better than the pantheist who sees God dwelling in the work of art. To the secularist, there is no God to be revealed by art; to the pantheist, God is the work of art. In both world views, art loses any sense of transcendence. The work of art becomes an end in itself, not an avenue to knowing and loving God. Without a transcendent view of art, art becomes an idol, not a symbol.

When we speak of art in terms of understanding life, we must consider how art and language function in our lives. Simply put, art and language reflect a reality beyond themselves. For example, the word "heaven" does not contain heaven itself but instead points to the concept of heaven. The word is not a cul-de-sac; it is a path to a fascinating domain we have never seen. Every time we use the word "heaven" we understand something very fundamental about life.

The point is, we cannot talk about reality directly but must talk and live in symbols. We live in a world of symbols. Even language is symbolic. It is quite strange to think that a mortal who has not seen heaven uses a word to symbolize heaven. This is partly what the ancients meant when they spoke of the "analogy of being." We understand ourselves, our world, and our God through analogies (symbols)--the Scriptures, stories, sermons, paintings, relationships, baptism--the list is infinite. Symbols are signposts and pictures along the way. In Images and Symbols, Mircea Eliade writes, "The symbol reveals certain aspects of reality...the deepest aspects...which defy any other means of knowledge. They bring to light the most hidden modalities of being."

Symbols, then, have two dimensions: the symbol itself and the reality the symbol points to. A rose is a rose, but more importantly a rose can symbolize love. The literal rose helps us to see a dimension of love we would fail to see without the rose. But the analogy of the rose does much more: it attires love with beauty, passion, vibrant color, and sensuality. Recall von Balthasar's assertion that "no truth is abstraction." Comparing love to a rose restrains love from being a cold abstraction.

But a symbol does more than incarnate abstractions. A symbol-- art--brings beauty to our lives but it also brings meaning. Art is a crossing from the mundane to the beautiful and the meaningful. A transcendent view of art transforms the earthly for the purpose of disclosing a deeper reality to our existence here on earth.

Steiner, in Real Presences, supposes that transcendence is possible because theology undergirds art and language, "It [his essay] proposes that any coherent understanding of what language is and how language performs, that any coherent account of the capacity of human speech to communicate meaning and feeling is, in the final analysis, underwritten by the assumption of God's presence." To Steiner, art is a passage from "meaning to meaningfulness." Borrowing terms from Chomsky, art is the "surface structure" that leads us into the "deep structure" of the divine presence. In other words, art, beginning with a natural, earthy perspective, transcends us into a divine spectacle.

Some use art as a shibboleth to distinguish between naturalism and supernaturalism. Because I teach that the Christian should appreciate art, read literature, view films, and listen to music, I have been called a naturalist. Often I chalk this up to an uninformed response by a Christian who is terrified of mystery. The so-called supernaturalist, who by definition lives outside the mundane realm of art, pretends to know God outside of any "human" vehicle. He or she claims to understand God directly, without the use of symbols or art.

This belief, though, is more than supernaturalism--it is mysticism. It is fideism, and at its worst it is narcissism because the person projects himself or herself upon God. On the contrary, an orthodox, supernatural viewpoint understands that the knowledge of God is not immediate but must be mediated--mediated through symbol, art, word. Good art says that God can be known in multiple dimensions but cannot be apprehended, controlled, or put in my own personal box--that he is not made in my mirror image. Ultimately, then, the Christian who rejects art believes earth to be more true than heaven, because he or she sees no need for symbol. And without symbol we cannot see beyond this world.

If art has two dimensions, it also has two functions. It simultaneously reveals and conceals God. Art is an expression of God's infinite mystery and extravagant beauty. But it is also an expression of something strangely familiar. Like Lucy's sighting of Aslan in The Chronicles of Narnia, something leaps inside us when we see art. Whether this happens when we hear the music of U2, read the novels of Flannery O'Connor, see the drawings of Blake, or read the poetry of Langston Hughes, something deep inside us leaps because we recognize the unknown known.


Art Questions Us

"Art enables us to find ourselves and lose ourselves at the same time." -Thomas Merton
"Love the questions themselves," pleads Rilke to his young friend in Letters to a Young Poet. Perhaps we shun art because we hate the questions that art raises in us. If art transcends us, helping us to see multitudinous pictures of God, then art also questions us, helping us to know ourselves. The difference between art and narcissism here is quite simple: Narcissism reflects the viewer without questioning, while art reflects something that naturally questions the viewer.

Let me illustrate this by pointing to the teaching of Martin Buber. In I and Thou, Buber writes that humans cannot have authentic relationship without an "I" and a "Thou." He uses these two terms to signify that relationship is comprised of subject relating to a subject, not subject to object. When anyone in a relationship becomes an object, then the relationship, rather than being an "I--Thou" relationship, becomes an "I--It" relationship.

As an example, Buber speaks of how two people view a tree differently. One may love the tree for its beauty and majesty and thus respect it. The subject (the person who admires the tree) loves another subject, the tree. The tree means something to the person's life. Since I was a boy, I have remembered an oak tree that stood on the edge of our farm in Tennessee. In my more pensive times, I would escape to the oak tree and sit under it for hours. I do not know if that oak tree still stands today, but I hope it does. I love that tree because it means something to me. That tree is one of my sacred places. Buber would say I have an "I--Thou" relationship with my oak tree. Subject relates to subject.

A carpenter, however, would see my tree very differently. He or she would look at the tree with one question: "How many board feet can I get out of this tree?" In other words, "How might I use this tree for my own purposes?" All at once, the carpenter is the subject but the tree has become an object. In this "I--It" relationship, the carpenter (subject) stands over the tree (object). The tree does not address the carpenter; the carpenter has full sway over the tree. Buber says this is not relationship because the carpenter and tree are not in conversation with one another. One sets out to exploit the other. By using this example, Buber was not espousing pantheism--he was not saying that God resides in the tree and thus God speaks through the tree. Rather, he was speaking of how humans should view life and others. He was critiquing a faulty world view held by the subject. Essentially, he was saying that one cannot love or understand without the other. Bernard of Clairvaux addressed this in Christian terms: "He who understands truth without loving it, or loves without understanding, possesses neither the one nor the other."

So how does this relate to art? Art is wholly other. Art is not the same as I am, and hence it ushers me into the presence of the other. The artist brings his or her world view to my life, and there the work of art addresses me and questions me. Another's world view challenges my own and hopefully shakes me out of my provincialism and narcissism. That is the meaning of Merton's quote at the beginning of this section. Art is one important element of community that helps me to understand myself by questioning me rather than merely affirming me.

The travesty of idolatry is that an idol reflects the worshipper without question. Idols do not bear witness to truth. They only project one's image, much like the pool in the story of Narcissus. The solitude of the idol applauds me; the community of art examines me.

My task then is to widen this community immensely. My personal "larger community" includes artists as diverse as Picasso, Augustine, and Carson McCullers. Picasso paints a world that is relative, fractured and polyvalent. His emphasis on a certain aspect of truth challenges my absolutism. Augustine, in City of God, critiques a pagan view of history by representing an eternal view over a cyclical view. His world view encourages my despair in a history that seems to make no sense. Carson McCullers, in the Ballad of the Sad Cafe, writes of a grotesque world. Her other world provokes and challenges my insistence on normalcy.

What would our world be without Chagall, Fellini, Faulkner, Maclean, Dostoevsky, Rembrandt, Dante, Marquez, Chekov, Strindberg, Verdi, Messiaen? I believe that we would be impoverished because our community of otherness would be tragically diminished. One of the great advantages for the modern is that he or she has thousands of years of art to remember and to be questioned by. And yet many Christians live outside the domain of these artists; their art might as well not exist. The result for our community of faith is that we live in a selfish, self-imposed exile. When we live outside the realm of the other, it is impossible for the other to question our lives. Furthermore, living outside the other (the Thou) draws us near to a great danger: We begin to believe the illusion that our way of thinking is the only way, that our truth is the "total" truth.

Emmanuel Levinas , in his book Totality and Infinity, warns us that a person who thinks this way is in truth a totalitarian.


Art Remembers Heaven

"Beauty is the infinite presented in the finite." -Schelling
We live between the cross and the resurrection. Steiner, in Real Presences, writes that we live in the Sabbath between the suffering of the Friday crucifixion and the hope of the Sunday resurrection. He states that art helps us live with the tragedy of the cross while awaiting the future resurrection. Art reminds us that heaven is still to come.

Our Lord instructs us on this matter through his prayers. And indeed Christ often prayed strange prayers. He prayed one in particular to teach his disciples to pray, recorded in Matthew 6, and we call it the Lord's Prayer. What amazes me most is how earthy his prayer is. It acknowledges a fractured world: heaven is not earth and earth is not heaven. There is a rift between the noumenal and the phenomenal. As Christians we cannot tolerate gnosticism or pantheism because it confuses heaven with earth or earth with heaven.

But our Lord prays for things on earth to be done as they are in heaven. I find it very interesting that he prays for the kingdom to come to earth, not for the believers to come to the kingdom. He recognizes that his followers remain on earth as exiles of heaven.

And without art we live in an unadorned exile. Yes, we are pilgrims in a strange land, but God has placed remembrances of heaven along our way. Art on earth gives us a view of a world that is not ours right now--a world that we do not live in but that we have a suspicion of, one that we desire but cannot touch. The Renaissance saw painting as a window on the world. And art is, in the final analysis, a window on heaven. From Homer's Odyssey to Dante's Divine Comedy to Picasso's Girl Before a Mirror, art transcends mundane space and time and transports us to radiant images we could never have in a world without art.

Mozart's Requiem evokes God's fury against death. Melville's Moby Dick pursues God's hiddenness. Chagall's Time is a Clock Without Hands alludes to God's eternal whimsy. Hemingway's The Old Man and the Sea yields to the kindness of God in a savage world. Gabriel Garcia Marquez's One Hundred Years of Solitude gropes for the fatherhood of God by reminding us of the tragedy of a fatherless society. Maya Angelou's I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings calls on God's justice. Arvo Part's Misere remembers God's tears. And Georges de la Tour's Christ in the Carpenter Shop sights the faint light of heaven in the shadow of earth. Do we see these glimpses, even if through a glass darkly? Do we catch these works of art winking at us from twinkling, knowing eyes? These luminous signposts provide glimmers of heaven. They participate in our lives by giving us glimpses of heaven on earth.

Above all else, art is the remembrance that Beauty will come--through the messenger who will make all things right, the one who has made all things beautiful through the artistry of redemption. His beauty was fashioned not by the glory of heaven but by the cross of this earth. His death ruined the tragedy of this world. And art helps us wait faithfully for the second resurrection by reminding us that the darkness has not overcome the light, that death has not swallowed up life. "Beauty will save the world," says Father Zosima in The Brothers Karamazov. And so it will.

Don Hudson

scratched in at [3:59 PM]

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maybe i've grown to be suspicious of good things when they happen to me...

should i try for this?

the legacy of seven years is hard to leave behind

could it be just reversed in a moment?

i want to believe again

scratched in at [4:52 AM]

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sometimes i wonder if i enjoy fighting more then winning

scratched in at [3:57 AM]

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Sunday, December 07, 2008

Bolt

scratched in at [2:48 AM]

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Friday, December 05, 2008

Storm

how long have i
been in this storm
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
water's getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head

if i could just see You
everything will be alright
if i'd see You
the storminess will turn to light

and i will walk on water
and You will catch me if i fall
and i will get lost into Your eyes
and everything will be alright
and everything will be alright

i know You didn't
bring me out here to drown
so why am i ten feet under and upside down
barely surviving has become my purpose
cause i'm so used to living underneath the surface

if i could just see You
everything will be alright
if i see You
the storminess will turn to light

and i will walk on water
and You will catch me if i fall
and i will get lost into Your eyes
and everything will be alright

and i will walk on water
you will catch me if i fall
and i will get lost into Your eyes
and everything will be alright
i know everything is alright
everything's alright

scratched in at [7:11 PM]

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Tuesday, December 02, 2008

scratched in at [2:00 PM]

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Sunday, November 30, 2008

Fully Alive

Telling Layla's story spoken
'Bout how all her bones are broken
Hammers fall on all the pieces
Two months in the cover creases

Fully alive
More than most
Ready to smile and love life
Fully alive
And she knows how to believe in futures

All my complaints shrink to nothing
I'm ashamed of all my something's
She's glad for one day of comfort
Only because she has suffered

Fully alive
More than most
Ready to smile and love life
Fully alive
Now she knows how to believe in futures

Fully alive
More than most
Ready to smile and love life
Fully alive
Now she knows how to believe in futures

Here she stands today
In her brilliant shiny way
Stronger than her pain
In her brilliant shiny way

Fully alive
More than most
Ready to smile and love life
Fully alive
Now she knows how to believe in futures

Fully alive
More than most
Ready to smile and love life
Fully alive
Now she knows how to believe in Jesus

scratched in at [2:13 PM]

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Saturday, November 29, 2008

It

It is gentle, It is kind
It does not envy
It's slow to anger


It does not seek to have her way
But It knows how to give
It does not envy
Is quick to cherish
It does not tally, is full of mercy

It never fails, bears all things, believes all things
It never fails, hopes all things, endures all things

It is gentle; It is kind
It never fails

scratched in at [4:54 PM]

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Lala Land

It just strange.

The way things turn out.

But I don’t know, I don’t feel too bad about it.

The past few days have been those of messing up my body clock, there was the whole thing of the end of semester event in school and we’ve been rushing through our band practices because we didn’t really have the time to practice given the exams ended giving us just three days to work it out. It wasn’t one of our best performances to date (probably the worst), but given the constraints I felt we did pretty well.
And everyone had fun, which was the important part.

Well, maybe a tad too much fun. By the end of the night my friend had been more or less wasted by the over 20 or so shots she had downed working as the party bartender and this French freshie (who was also quite wasted at this point and going after anything with a double X chromosome) was trying to get her to go back with him to his hall. She (fortunately) still had the presence of mind to be scared and called for help from a friend to bring her to the Film Editing Lab where we all were as she was having trouble walking. At that point she collapsed into a largely incoherent heap and I had to carry her to the student club room where we knew she would be pretty safe and we tucked her in. As it turns out she wasn’t just wasted but probably poisoned by the amount of alcohol she ingested and felt pretty crappy long afterwards… how she managed to down over 20 I have no clue…

And that was just the beginning of the drama of that night; to be honest I felt kinda bad leaving my friends in school as I wasn’t sure it was totally safe for them. And true enough some rather dramatic things ended up happening which would have gotten a lot crazier if it wasn’t for the more sober heads that were around post-party. And woots, a classmate used some of the jiu-jitsu that he rubbed off me to resolve a situation with the drunks that could have gotten worse. But all in all I’m glad my wasted friend was alright and didn’t do anything she would have regretted- she is going to swear off alcohol for a while.

This was probably the car that ran down innocent frogs that Wyna was warning me about. This is what happens outside of the well that I’ve been in for so long, and I can see why they wanted to take us far, far away from all this danger in the lala land of RGen.

Unfortunately… if I had to choose between the potential dangers of the land outside the well and lala land… I’d rather live in danger then to be something like a cow in the field.

The problem with being safe is that you can’t be very good as well. There’s nothing wrong with being safe but the obsession with it ultimately destroys all morality. Unfortunately security is sometimes mutually exclusive from goodness. A cow in a field can’t do very much except eat grass all day… it can’t go very wrong, but it can’t go very right either.

That is the fundamental problems with lala land… avoid everything, don’t this, don’t that. Art school is too secular, don’t do there. Going overseas to study is bad. No secular music at all, absolutely. No martial arts or learning to fight. No relationships outside of which that is completely under our control. No thinking too much and understanding foreign philosophies. All these things are dangerous because they had a very real potential to go wrong.

So true.

But yet so half of the story.

My class had another meet up at the airport last night just to chill, having gotten a bit leery of the whole party thing following the end of semester and we all had a great time. Namely because we did have a long session of pure, honest talk with each other… in fact it would have been like cell group save for the fact that there was no mechanical 10-year series answers, and it we were a mixture of people from very different backgrounds, most of them unacceptable in lala land.

What surprised me most was that how much they were LIKE us. Us as in the “us and them” mentality we used to have in lala land. In RGen I had always been trained to view the world in a strict dichotomy- us and them, my ideology and their ideology… people on the outside, even Christians, were two-dimensional, cardboard stereotypes who were doing their things because they were plain stupid and didn’t think our way. Their lives are nothing but empty pits of despair in which we needed to rescue them from, even if they didn’t know it.

But when I really got to know them it was so different… in fact I suspect that most of the stuff I’ve been trained to believe in lala land was mostly bullshit… not deliberate bullshit but the kind of bullshit that arises when you don’t really have the answers but just accept any hasty explanation as the thing you ought to believe in.

They also have their struggles, their triumphs, and their own struggle with truth. I dunno… maybe in RGen we were trained to put up a front of positivity… as if we had all the answers to life… YES I believe in the Good News… I wouldn’t be a Christian if I didn’t… but it’s one thing to know the answer, and another thing to KNOW the answer.

Somehow in RGen the Good News wasn’t alive, in some sorts of a way. It was all wrapped up in our own notions and extra laws. Packed, sterile, largely ineffective to changing the world it was supposed to change. We talked as if it was a product, something we marketed to the world and how it could make a difference if we could sell it to enough people as opposed to something that were truly alive and real, surprising us in the ways it turns bad to good.

To be honest I feel that in an ironic way my friends are so much more alive then me… because they’ve struggled with their beliefs, failed and succeeded and are still on that journey. In RGen we assumed that journey of faith was complete, and that all we needed to do was to journey for “revival”… “revival” was our “vision”, our “faith”.
And it was all so unreal… because maybe I suspect somehow… a lot of it was man-made. You can leave death and devastation in the lives of others in the wake of your actions and then claim that you’ve had a powerful encounter with God at some mission trip or conference… but yet somehow that experience and power does nothing to move you to see the things you’ve (indirectly or not) caused or at the very least even apologize? Hmmm…

I don’t know, but…

I don’t want to be that kind of person.

No offence, but I just don’t want to be.

God does not need me to advertise Him or be his propaganda outlet.

He just wants me.

Where I am.

Not in lala land.

scratched in at [4:48 PM]

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Wednesday, November 26, 2008

My Catholic Friend

its really damn gross but its an experience man
anw i must tell u how i honestly feel
lemme tell u a story


?


once upon a time there was a frog who lives in a well


0_0


everyday of his life he stays in the well staring up at the circle sky and a bucket that falls on his head
other frogs would stay at the top of the well and talk and laugh and play and sing
the frog didnt know what the other frogs did so he decided to climb out of the well..
he jumped really hard to get out and finally he got out of the well!
he saw the other frogs playin and singin and laughin and decided to join in!
after awhile he decided to venture out into a new world that he has nv seen b4.. finally he reached the city area and there was so many things which he has nv done..
he saw neon lights across the streets and he walked towards it! little did he know there was a speedin car approachin it! just as he was about to reach the neon lights! he was banged down by a car..and he died..
THE END


ah i get more moral liao
*your moral liao


im very worried..and i dont want you to be the frog


i noe...
that's why i have you to watch me mah


muahaha! tt day u really tipsy lor..
i was way long from being tipsy man


i can't imagine u tipsy man


if im tipsy! hah! you all cannot handle me..confirm..


hahaha i'd like to see that
mmm truth is
i don't really know, or see anything
and i didn't climb out of the well because i heard pple playing... the well more like dried up
XP
but it's like living the life of a cow in a field
you can't go very wrong, but you can't go very right either
everything was so safe and preplanned
and suddenly you realize that the world is a lot bigger and riskier, but so much more alive
this was the world we're supposed to somehow affect and change, and not hide behind the four walls of our church and the fortress of our minds


hmm i get it..


that's why... i don't want to be that cow anymore


just know ur limits
and dont change! its really a very crucial time
when u see somethin tt entices u the tendency to go over is really high..


haha it's not hard to see why
these are dangerous times for me, mmm i realize it
until i find my own footing again
what i admire about you guys is that you don't need pple to tell you what's right or wrong or manage you every step of the way
you just do it


hmm there's pros and cons to it..
like my mum feels that im rebelious..
dont care abt my family my hse..
yar lor..


mmm but that's what makes us moral creatures
the ability to choose
if we never had the choice or are manipulated into choosing a certain way
that isn't morality
but we got to do what we believe is the right thing at the end of the day
mmm


yup yup definitely
i agree with you..
tt's why i say catholicism focuses on choice..they wont even scold us even if we chose to leave the church..
free will man
i know u know urself best..im just worried tt's all
yup yup!

scratched in at [4:08 AM]

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absoloodles

my main beef with things last time was how we didn't attack those who disagree with us on their points, but on their means to even say anything 0_0


but then again, there will be a time when we toe on the line, and struggle with behaving the right way while coming to terms with our convictions.
i don't regret the times when I shut up when i ought to have said stuff


mmm


it was a time when i was discovering biblical authority vs biblical truth - and while i was searching - we have to stand somewhere... or else collateral damage again


maybe so within the system... there's always a tension between expressing yourself and avoiding chaos


i think its like that
but that doesn't mean the expression doesn't take place - it must
it happens everywhere.
end of the day, we all choose the hill on which we die on
we can never change another person's worldview or stubborness if there's no willingness to see the possibility that no matter how remote, we may be wrong wooooo


HAHAHAH
so true
that's the power of convictions
mmm yeps convictions are the muscle of our beliefs, but the rightness or wrongness of our beliefs are entirely seperate from the strength of them


if the boss is always right - its fair
but if the boss always thinks he's right
that's different
even if we accept that if the boss says it, ok fair
but another thing if the boss never thinks he is wrong


right. that's why convictions actually DO change with time - some will never - some will be challenged and we come to terms with it etc.


yep
that's why i was just kinda disturbed some said we ought to hold onto them because they were "convictions" for the sake of convictions
and like looked down on those who changed their beliefs for being compromisers? when by all respects they arrived at their change not throu compromise, but legimitae beliefs


absoloodles
and all that preaching about 'ancient boundaries'


OH YAH
0_0


the bible turned wrong


that wasn't really biblicial was it?


nope not at all
nothing to do with convictions
we must seperate preferences with biblical convictions
its different so its legitimate to have convictions and tell others that it is benefiical to belief the same - BUT
we have to make it clear that its us and not God
Paul did it - oh you prob read it in the thing i gave you


yeah i did
mmm if we followed Paul's recommendations on singlehood as an "ancient" unflexible and unchanging ancient milestone
Hohohohoho


but its not easy, its actually harder to educate vs making a blanket rule



yeah that's true, but there's no subsitute for it i guess


none other
and even as we educate, i think space must still be given to expand the breadth of what we teach

i dunno i still know what's right or wrong? but i find it harder nowadays to do the right thing
i realized i did the right thing last time out of fear and legalism
not out of being truly regenerate
Hmmm


its just like Peter having the vision of the animals, he had an understanding of God that needed some tweaking


mmmm
oh wells, we all choose the hill we want to die on
:D


hhahahaa
but the thing is even if we choose, we must be humble enough to consider the remotest possibility that we may be wrong
if its nothing to be of concerned, we stick with it

scratched in at [12:30 AM]

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